I don't know whether these will work for you because you need to know English and our humour quite well.
They were all read out on the BBC and it this continues today at the beginning of the Radio 4 programme "I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue". Originally the host was Humphrey Littleton and after his death Jack Dee took over the role. The quotes are very risqué examples of innocent English words meaning or sounding like something very different.
See what you think.
"Samantha tells us she’s off to a gourmet evening where her favourite French chef has prepared a nine course dinner. Looking at the menu, she says she’s not so keen on some of his traditional dishes, but she spotted something tempting between the frogs legs."
"Samantha nipped out to the gramophone library earlier, and as the eager assistants down there suspected she might be a country music lover, they got out every Johnny Cash and Willie Nelson record available. Well, in my experience, she’s certainly always been a big fan of Willie’s, and now she’s got to work her way through a complete boxed set of Johnny’s."
"In her spare time, Samantha likes nothing more than to peruse old record shops. She particularly enjoys a rewarding poke in the country section."
"Samantha is looking forward to going out for an ice cream with her Italian gentleman friend. She says she’s looking forward to licking the nuts off a large Neapolitan."
"Samantha spent many hours in conversation with the BBC gramophone library research staff for this round, deliberating over the fine old 7-inchers they presented for inspection. She says before deciding which she was going to spin she had to think about each one long and hard."
"Samantha has to nip out again to see an elderly lord who regularly complains to Radio 4 about their parliamentary coverage. She says she thinks he’s even going to start getting a little hard on Today in Parliament."
"Samantha has got to go off early to meet an entomologist friend who’s been showing her his collection of winged insects. They’ve already covered his bees and wasps and tonight she’s hoping to go through his flies."
"Samantha spent hours in the gramophone archive selecting the discs. You know, she gets fed up with comments about the way she ‘checks the seven inchers’ or ‘twists my knob’. She says she tries to take no notice of the critics, but it isn’t easy to ignore her knockers."
"Samantha’s just started keeping bees and already has three dozen or so. She says she’s got an expert handler coming round to give a demonstration. He’ll carefully take out her 38 bees and soon have them flying round his head."
"Samantha has to nip off to the National Opera, where she’s been giving private tuition to the singers. Having seen what she did to the baritone, the director is keen to see what she might do for a tenor."
"Samantha has to nip off to a Welsh Conservative Association dinner for their most senior MP, whose name is said to be almost impossible to pronounce. She’s certainly found the longest standing Welsh member a bit of a mouthful."
"After tasting the meat pies, Samantha said she liked Mr Dewhurst’s beef in ale; although she preferred his tongue in cider."
"Samantha does a few chores for an elderly gentleman who lives nearby. She shows him how to use the washing machine and then prunes his fruit trees. Later he’ll hang out his pyjamas as he watches her beaver away up the ladder."
You can post all funny things here during the winter period. This section will be cleared automatically after 20 days.